Friday, December 5, 2014

Shocking news: Santa Claus’s true location revealed

Friday, December 5, 2014
oldbearnews editor

This intrepid reporter from time to time does strike gold.  Last year I was particularly lucky to see Santa on his trial run (Santa Claus been spotted chilling out.html)
I truly believed this to be the “once in a life time” lucky story to report.
Alas – lighting does strike twice.  I was after a story of the hard working Elfs. No, not the famous ones who featuring heavily in a recent released series of Lord of the Ring films – rather their smaller and lesser known and very rarely seen cousins.  Generally they are very small, have a pointy ear (which reminds me that I must ask them if they have relatives on a certain Vulcan planet next time I meet one) and oddly enough seem to be happy in green outfits. Green – go figure!!
In any case – after months and months of undercover work and following a careful laid out and often disguised trail – I managed to get in contact with one Elf. Eric House (name changed to protect his identity) had a story to tell, but he was a shrewd customer.  He told me that he worked for the ‘Elf and Safety’ department which had, so he said, a very deep dark black ops department – totally of the books. A department that reports to no one in particular and is totally free of restraints although I am sure Santa Claus at least has some oversight. This Elf and Safety department warrants further investigation, as it requires no paper trail or indeed any forms to be filled out for any of its activities. Approval is tacitly always given. Its primary mission is to lay false trails, mainly for us “humans”.
It seemed to work too for the last few hundred years with the location of Santa’s workshop generally presumed to be on the North Pole. The Norwegians first fell for the myth and from there it took off for the rest of the world. The myth spread by the Elfs went as follows:  The Vikings had this God Odin who was the precursor to the modern Santa Claus. According to myth, Odin rode his flying horse, Sleipnir (a precursor to Santa’s reindeer), who had eight legs. In the winter, Odin gave out both gifts and punishments, and children would fill their boots or stockings with treats for Sleipnir.  Naturally he had to live further North then the good folk of Scandinavia – in a forsaken and generally very cold place – in order so that he could not be found and make totally un-disturbed his toys etc.  Thus the legend of Santa Claus working and living on the North Pole was born. Any self-respective logical modern person of course would know that this could not be true.  For a start the “North pole” is on a floating ice shelf so any attempt to go underground in order to hide the business of toy making would be – well, met with a watery grave. It has also been known that from time to time the Ice shelf melts away!
Naturally I wanted to know more – specifically to confirm a theory which I had formed years earlier but could never be proven. The price for this information was several cups of Eggnog (apparently forbidden liquid nectar in the Claus household).   So Mr House, the Elf slowly divulged some secrets – and as more eggnog was offered and consumed more and more secrets came out.  The primary secret is that Santa Claus does not live on the famous North Pole, rather – wait for it, somewhere in Antarctica!!  This makes sense and confirms the aforementioned theory.   Antarctica is a continent almost twice the size of
Australia and we know how large and mostly empty that is.  Add in the lack of people, and it is very easy to get lost there, or in Santa’s case to hide a workshop/living quarters.  Now some of you will say – “but yeah we know he is not on the South Pole – given that we have a permanent team of scientists stationed down there”, and you know – you would be right. But why should he be on the South Pole given he has millions and millions and millions of Acers of space to use where no human is likely to set foot on?
So apart for the added security and anonymity, why is his workshop located in Antarctica?  It has EVERYTHING to do with international date lines. Consider that the first landmass to see the new sunrise is New Zealand and consider that the delivery of all presents are accomplished on 25th Dec it makes sense to fly his sleigh along the accepted air routes and along with the rising sun. Travelling in the opposite direction eg from Europe via Middle east then to the Pacific States would be counterproductive.  Living here in New Zealand we certainly appreciate being the first in line.  Who could forget the Fireworks displays on the turn of the millennium? I forgot how many tyimes we counted down to midnight. The only down side is that of course the Americas are the last on the delivery list – especially the South American countries.  However after a very long night of visiting every house, the by now I am sure tiered Reindeers, have just a tiny wee jump across the Southern Ocean and then can disappear back into Santa’s workshop somewhere in Antarctica. 
So Mr House – the elf - having spilled the secrets courtesy of some eggnogs, then made me swear an Elf oath on my life, that the only thing I could tell was the general gist of his story.  If Santa Claus ever found out which of his elf’s told this particular story he would be permanently banned into the gift dispatch division, which after a long life in the mysterious Elf & Safety black ops division is more like being in excile . 

Then again – I can’t help wondering if this was just another brilliantly conceived dark ops plan in order to confuse the real location of Santa’s workshop. Who knows??? And more importantly does it really matter?? Probably not.  The fact that there are more and more radar stations placed around the southern Hemisphere are pure coincidence and are there (I am assured by the local air force) to track weather phenomena.   
In any case – fingers crossed I was a good lad and Mr Santa Claus will stop by my place – a flying visit so to speak.  As for Mr House, the little green Elf – I never saw him again. . . . . .

 Have fun

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