Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Christmas Jokes

Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Christmas Santa Claus Bear

more in the same vein - these Christmas jokes just keep coming and clogging up my email . . . .

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?

She gave him the cold shoulder!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

What's an ig?
An eskimo's home without a loo!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Where do snowmen go to dance?

How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !

What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !

How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
An Eskimoo !

And these gems arrived yesterday

The Five Ages of Man
(1) He believes in Santa Claus.
(2) He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
(3) He dresses up to look like Santa Claus.
(4) He looks like Santa Claus.
(5) He believes he IS Santa Claus

  • My stockings were hanging by the chimney with care,I'd been wearing them for months and they needed the air
  • I saw the .gifs of three Weissmans at a Bar Mitzvah.
  • If Santa went surfing would he look for a beach with a Yule tide?
  • A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards."What Denomination?" asked the clerk."Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic."
  • Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!"
  • It's so embarrassing, getting drunk on eggnog. What can you say to people? You're under the influence of cinnamon?
  • At the last Christmas party, the secretary with the long, red hair ate three pickles and four co-workers panicked!
  • I just bought a great gift for my boss. A leaky ant farm.
  • Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
  • There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
  • The post office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile" they throw it underhand.
  • One Fifth Avenue jewelry store is offering a Christmas deal. They're selling a diamond pendant with matching earrings for $140,000. Gift-wrapping is $4.50 extra.
  • I had a miserable Christmas. My mother-in-law came and she's such a comic. She gave us a set of towels marked, "Hers" and "Its."
  • Have you seen that new doll that wets and gets diaper rash? It prepares kids for what they'll want to be as adults: Celibate.
  • Ever wonder how many kids write Thank-you letters to Santa after Christmas?
  • Christmas used to come once a year. With installment payment, it now comes once-a-week.

  • Dasher: Hey, what's that reindeer doing with Santa's sled??? Rudolph: He's just Vixen the broken engine.

  • One Christmas Eve a policeman found a man on the pavement who had been knocked over."Did you get the car's registration number?" the policeman asked."No," said the man, "but I'd recognize those reindeer anywhere."
  • Tina always put a great big arrow next to her house so that Santa wouldn't forget to visit."But he always comes," said Tina's mom."I know," said Tina." It works every time."
  • I got a $5 for Christmas, but the cat ate it. Never mind, it's always good to keep something in the kitty.

  • Jimmy got a brand new bike for Christmas. He whizzed down a hill (showing off) yelling," Look, Tina, no hands!"As the bike picked up more speed, he yelled, "Look, Tina, no feet!"As he crashed into the back of a bus, he yelled, "Nooook, Ina, no teef!"

Finally - you have to give credit for quick thinking on this one . . . .

Three guys pass away on Christmas Eve and are met by St.Peter.
St. Peter says, "In honor of the season, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas." The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on. "What do they symbolize?" asks St. Peter.
"They're candles!" "Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them. "What do they symbolize?" inquires St. Peter.
"They're bells!" "Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties. He holds them up proudly. Puzzled, St. Peter asks, "What do they symbolize?"
"They're Carol's!"

more jokes ca be found here:





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