Saturday, December 12, 2009

100 Christmas Jokes - all new

Saturday, December 12, 2009
Christmas Santa Claus Bear

Found them - some are way new - enjoy these 100 Christmas Jokes!!
Hmmm more like some serious Christmas puns here!!

1. Why did Santa get a ticket on Christmas Eve?
[He left his sled in a Snow Parking Zone.]

2. Why was the manger so crowded on Christmas Eve?
[Because of the 3 Wide Men]

3. Do the female deer like Mrs. Claus?
[Yes. They FAWN all over her.]

4. Why is Rusolph so good at playing trivia?
[He NOSE a lot. (and it's very bright) ;)]

5. What does Rudolph do that bugs Santa?
[He constantly Fa-La-La-La-Lows him.]

6. Where does Santa put his suit after Christmas?
[In the CLAUS- et]

7. What song do socks sing while they hang by the fireplace?
["Silent Night -- HOLEY Night"]

8. What is Santa's favorite basketball team?
[The New York Old St. Knicks]

9. In the World Series, what position does the Christmas turkey play?
[First BASTE]

10. How do Christmas trees keep their breath fresh?
[They suck an orna-MINT.]

11. A Christmas tree that has a big nose is called what?

12. Where do they make movies about Christmas trees?
[In Tinsel Town]

13. Do Christmas trees knit?
[No. They do NEEDLE-point]

14. Where did Frosty the Snowman meet his wife?
[At the SNOW Ball.]

15. On what holiday did the ham get burnt?
[Crispmas Eve]

16. What do vegetarians wish for at Christmas?
[Peas on Earth and Goodwill toward men]

17. What's Santa's favorite sandwich?
[Peanut Butter & JOLLY]

18. How did Mrs. Santa feel when she forgot to give her goldfish a present?

19. How do fish celebrate Christmas?
[They hang REEFS on the door]

20. Why did Santa start sneezing as he went down the chimney?
[He caught a nasty FLOO]

21. How does Santa scratch an itch?
[With his CLAUS]

22. How do you decorate a canoe for Christmas?
[With OAR-naments]

23. Why was the squirrel mad at Santa?
[Because he got NUT-in for Christmas]

24. How did Santa get lost on Christmas Eve?
[He got MIS-sled]

25. What did Santa bring the bear for Christmas?
[A CUB-vertible]

26. Are are bears sure that Santa Claus coming to town?
[They're PAWS-ative]

27. Where do the bears celebrate Christmas with their family?
[In log CUB-ins]

28. What does a grizzly bear decorate his Christmas tree with?

29. How did Santa do at the comedy club?
[He SLEIGHED everyone]

30. Why are Christmas presents so easy to tease?
[Because they take a lot of RIBBON]

31. What Christmas carols do dog like to sing?
[Deck the HOWLS]

32. Who brings Christmas present to fleas?
[Old St. TICK]

33. Why is the Christmas present an honors student?
[Because it's a GIFT-ed student]

34. Where do the reindeer go for Christmas dinner?
[To their AUNT-ler 's house]

35. What did the headless horseman get for Christmas?
[A very nice necktie]

36. What do witches sing on Christmas?
[JINXle Bells]

37. Who's worth about 5 cents at Christmas?
[Old St. NICKEL]

38. Why do sharks love Santa so much?
[Because he's a JAW-ly good fellow]

39. What does a snake sing at Christmas?
[SSSsssssssssssilver Bells]

40. What happened when Santa parked his sled illegally?
[He was Mistle-TOWED]

41. Where do the three wise men go to get their robes tailored?
[Bethle- HEM]

42. What vacuum does Rudolph use?

43. What kind of mobile phone has Santa got?
[Pay as you Ho, Ho, Ho]

44. Why does Father Christmas cry a lot?
[Because he gets SANTA-mental]

45. How does Santa take pictures?
[He uses a North POLE-aroid]

46. What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards?
["Best VICIOUS of the season."]

47. What do you get if you cross an archer with a gift wrapper?
[Ribbon Hood]

48. What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
[ Do I have to eat these brussell sprouts?]

49. Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?

50. What do you drain your Christmas brussels sprouts with?
[An Advent COLANDER]

51. What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
[Cross-Mouse Cards]

52. What's very scary and squeaks?
[The Ghost of Christmas Past]

53. What did the sheep say to Santa?
[Season's BLEATINGS]

54. What's an Ig?
[An igloo without the toilet]

55. What do snowmen have for breakfast?
[Snowflakes or Ice Krispies]

56. What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?

57. What's Santa's favorite Chinese dish?
[Stir-fried Ice and Chilly sauce]

58. What do you get in December that you don't get in any other month?
[The letter "D"]

59. What do skunks sing at Christmas?
[Jingle Smells]

60. What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
[It's Christmas, Eve.]

61. Which of the reindeer has the worst manners?
[RUDE- olph]

62. What do you tell a stressed snowman?
[Chill out!]

63. What do you call a snowman in July?
[A Puddle]

64. What's a snowman's favorite Mexican food?
[Brrrrrrrr- itos]

65. What's the least exciting animal at the North Pole?
[Polar BORE]

66. Why couldn't the cat work her new DVD player?
[She kept hitting the "PAWS" button]

67. What song does Santa love to sing?
[You beard-er watch out...You beard-er not crying...."]

68. What does Santa get on his suit when he ice skates?
[RINK around the collar]

69. What holiday drink gets on your nerves?

70. What did the spider want for Christmas?
[A book of all the hottest websites!]

71. Why shouldn't you write a letter to Santa?
[You shouldn't put all your begs in one "Ask it."]

72. What makes December a warm month?
[The "embers" in it.]

73. What nationality is Santa Claus?
[North POLE-ish]

74. How does an Eskimo put his Christmas decorations on?
[Igloos it on.]

75. How do you get an elephant into a Christmas cracker?
[Take out the party hat first.]

76. What's thoughtful and frozen and goes, "Drip! Drip!?"
[NICE - icles.]

77. What does Santa Claus eat at a Mexican restaurant?

78. What's purple and sticky and goes, "Ho, Ho, Ho?"
[JELLY Old St. Nicholas]

79. What will happen if your naughty before Christmas?
[YULE be sorry!]

80. Which Christmas carol never gets sung?
[The SECOND Noel]

81. What happened when Santa got a sore throat before Christmas?
[He had to have his TINSELS taken out.]

82. What's a farmer's favorite Christmas carol?
[I'm Dreaming of a WHEAT Christmas]

83. What's a snowman's favorite grade in school?
[FROST Grade]

84. What goes, "Ho, Ho, Whoosh! Ho, Ho, Whoosh!"?
[Santa wearing corduroy]

85. Which winter sport to trees participate in?
[Al-PINE skiing]

86. Which of Santa's reindeer was a U.S. President?

87. What do elves play Solitaire with?
[Christmas cards]

88. What Christmas carol does Swiss cheese like to sing?
[Deck the HOLES]

89. Where do sheep shop for Christmas presents?

90. What do you call a really weird Christmas fair?
[A Christmas Bizarre]

91. What is a politician's favorite Christmas carol?
[I'm Dreaming of a WHITE HOUSE Christmas]

92. Why did the karate instructor admire Santa?
[Because he had a BLACK BELT]

93. Why are green and red the colors of Christmas?
[Because it's a HOLLY- day]

94. What do you give an artistic dog for Christmas?

95. What are red and green and grow on the ocean floor?
[Christmas Corals]

96. Why did the snowman put his friend on hold?
[He had COAL-waiting.]

97. When does Santa bring a toad his presents?
[One FROGGY Christmas Eve]

98. What is the best day to drink egg nog?
[On the THIRST day of Christmas]

99. What does one business person say to another business person on Christmas?
[Season's MEETINGS]

100. Who did Adam ask to the holiday party?
[Christmas Eve]

101. When does Christmas come before Halloween?
[When you look them up in the dictionary]

102. Why did the thermometer break?
[The temperature dropped]

103. Why was the computer so quiet on Christmas Eve?
[Not a creature was stirring....not even a MOUSE.]

104. What do Santa's helpers do to work out their problems?
[They go to an ELF-help group.]

105. What does Little Miss Muffet mail to her friends at the holidays?
[Christmas CURDS]

106. What do reindeer plant in the fall?
[Christmas Bulbs]

107. What did Santa say when he built a ski resort?
[I'm making a LIFT, I'm checking it twice.]

108. How did the detective find the stolen Christmas tree?
[He looked for Santa CLUES]

109. What do you get when you combine hot sauce with a Christmas bow?
[Barbeque RIB-bons]

110. Why does everyone enjoy December?
[Because it's a WIN-win-ter situation.]

111. What is Mr. and Mrs. Claus's kid called?

112. What does Santa wear on his head to keep warm?
[A Polar Ice Cap]

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