Friday, October 30, 2009

If Noah lived today!!

Friday, October 30, 2009
oldbear typingIF NOAH LIVED TODAY!!

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping" Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me! cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the specifications. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with Occupational Safety and Health people over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from city-planning directorate.

Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the Department of Forestry that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Department of Environmental Affairs won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate settlement with the National Labour Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the Department of Water Affairs notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact assessment on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the City Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard.

The Receiver of Revenue has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the Licensing Department that I owe them some kind of tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational watercraft."

Finally, the Constitutional Court issued an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, its a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord. "I don't have to. The government already has."

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